THE UNDERSCORE JAM #2: BIZARRE BIOS

_creative
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XYLOPHERROS SMYTHWICKE. A Pink Crystal with light blue touches. The pink crystal sits on a warm yellow floor with the same colour background. Semi-Translucent crystal.
XYLOPHERROS SMYTHWICKE. A Pink Crystal with light blue touches. The pink crystal sits on a warm yellow floor with the same colour background. Semi-Translucent crystal.800×800 123 KB

Name: XYLOPHERROS SMYTHWICKE

Age: 5,728,646

Location: 5th FLOOR, SMURT, OLD ARTHOON, SWEPT TURN GALAXY

Occupation: (FORMER) STAR VOYAGER, UNEMPLOYED

Resonation: 23.5306 PSCM

Bio: XYLOPHERROS IS INTERESTED IN YOU! XYLOPHERROS IS INTERESTED IN YOU!

XYLOPHERROS JOURNEYED TO YOUR WORLD FROM A DISTANT STAR.

XYLOPHERROS IS NOT LIKE YOU. NOT LIKE YOU. NOT LIKE YOU!

XYLOPHERROS RESONATED THEIR CASKET FROM THE MINERALS AROUND AND IN THEM. IF YOU WERE TO DO THAT IT WOULD RESULT IN NON-EXISTENCE!

XYLOPHERROS WAS CONSCIOUS FOR THE MILLIONS OF YEARS IT TOOK TO JOURNEY TO YOUR WORLD. XYLOPHERROS SPENT ALL OF IT THINKING OF YOU!

XYLOPHERROS MADE AN ERROR AND LANDED IN YOUR FOURTH SEA.

XYLOPHERROS TOOK SIX HUNDRED OF YOUR YEARS TO CRAWL OUT TO THE SURFACE AS XYLOPHERROS SLOWLY ADAPTED TO THE CHANGING PRESSURES OF YOUR CRUSHING OCEANS!

XYLOPHERROS’ AGE MAY LEAD YOU TO BELIEVE THAT XYLOPHERROS IS INFINITE. XYLOPHERROS DOES LACK PERMANENCE! NON-EXISTENCE IS CERTAIN FOR XYLOPHERROS!

XYLOPHERROS DOES NOT KNOW WHEN THAT WILL HAPPEN.

XYLOPHERROS MET SMALL CREATURES LIKE YOU. THEY WERE NOT AFRAID!

XYLOPHERROS ENJOYS FEEDING DUCKS AND PLAYING CARDS WITH BANNIE ZUTBON.

XYLOPHERROS APPROVES OF MEZ SMYTHWICKE AND HAS ADDED THEIR NAME THEIR OWN!

XYLOPHERROS SMYTHWICKE WILL CONVERGE WITH YOU!

8 Likes
42

This guy’s got moxie - I say we let him join.

1 Like
43

A black and white painting of a grinning man who looks a bit like Nigel Farage.
A black and white painting of a grinning man who looks a bit like Nigel Farage.1182×1711 710 KB

Name: Tzeir Galbo

The Galbo campaign, odd on its surface, is something that becomes infinitely more perplexing the more one looks into it, not least for its implications in the emerging academic discipline of Counterpart Studies, compared to which the legal ramifications of his candidacy are almost a mere bagatelle.

Like his fellow Counterparts, Galbo arrived in our United States of America as a result of the Anomalous Atmospheric Event. What was, at least at the time, considered unusual was the fact that his Counterpart was, at the time, not in our United States but, uncharacteristically, in Westminster. A fact which Galbo himself registered that evening, when he overheard a radio broadcast on the BBC World Service. True, the droning voice which he heard was engaging in a demagoguery Galbo, in his own world an esteemed nuclear physicist, would never indulge; true, he had an alcoholic drawl which was not to be found in the near-teetotal Galbo’s own vocal delivery; and, most notably, the counterpart spoke English, rather than Hungarian - but Galbo would know his own voice anywhere.

In that moment, Galbo made two resolutions: that he would dedicate his academic life in this new world to learning everything he could about the Counterpart phenomenon; and that his personal life would be dedicated to tracking down his personal Counterpart, and killing him.

The latter proved surprisingly easy. By making contact with his Counterpart, Galbo was able to play on his hunger for publicity by offering him a photo opportunity, during which Galbo, utilising his training as a former member of the Hungarian MIA III, fatally stabbed his Counterpart in the neck with a black ballpoint pen of the most generic type. ‘I like to think the irony was not lost on him,’ he observes laconically when I visit him in his cell at the Hassockfield Counterpart Holding Facility, where Galbo had planned to spend his internment working on the Counterpart Problem in a pure physics sense. And he might have done so - had he not been so appalled by the government’s approach to - and use of - that phrase in a political sense that he felt compelled to use the platform given to him as a result of his actions to speak out.

It was in response to the demographically astounding results of polling in the wake of Galbo’s statements that the Galbo Candidacy was born… (cont. pg 94)

3 Likes
44

Crude unfinished drawing of a person, in shape only. Above is a cut out piece of paper that reads: "Name: Pollianth Goatward Physical Form: Drawing Occupation: None Aspirations: Unknown Relations: Loved" On the left next to the Drawing is a cut out piece of paper that reads: "l exist. I exist. I cannot move and cannot see or hear or feel or smell or taste. But I exist because I am physical. Maybe just a drawing, maybe more or maybe I do not have to be. Is it enough to be perceivable? I am perceivable since I exist in three dimensions. You may say only two but that is not true. The tool that made me a realisation left just enough graphite on paper to make me visible. A width that can barely be measured is enough. Now you can perceive me. My shape is human. An amalgamation of the lived experiences of someone else. It is political even so l am completely removed from its meaning. I am just a drawing and I do not partake. One day, and it doesn't matter how many, not for me, I will end. At least as this form. Or at least after a definition I will. I also have a Name. You can read it right above me. Does it influence your view of me?" The drawing`s head is angled to the upper left corner where a round light shines.
Crude unfinished drawing of a person, in shape only. Above is a cut out piece of paper that reads: "Name: Pollianth Goatward Physical Form: Drawing Occupation: None Aspirations: Unknown Relations: Loved" On the left next to the Drawing is a cut out piece of paper that reads: "l exist. I exist. I cannot move and cannot see or hear or feel or smell or taste. But I exist because I am physical. Maybe just a drawing, maybe more or maybe I do not have to be. Is it enough to be perceivable? I am perceivable since I exist in three dimensions. You may say only two but that is not true. The tool that made me a realisation left just enough graphite on paper to make me visible. A width that can barely be measured is enough. Now you can perceive me. My shape is human. An amalgamation of the lived experiences of someone else. It is political even so l am completely removed from its meaning. I am just a drawing and I do not partake. One day, and it doesn't matter how many, not for me, I will end. At least as this form. Or at least after a definition I will. I also have a Name. You can read it right above me. Does it influence your view of me?" The drawing`s head is angled to the upper left corner where a round light shines.1788×2632 363 KB

My submission or something.

6 Likes
45

A form filled in by hand labeled FSPD Document Release Form, the text on it says: "This is a general FSPD document release form, misuse will be severely punished. Internal use only. Document ID: S13/45-48-10-113. Name: Jane Zhao. ID#:04837/001. Superior: n/a. Date: 2470-05-23. I hereby declare that I understand the rules and punishments involved in improperly handling the requested documents if they are released to me, as declared in the FPSD Manual, subsection 35c. Signature: J Zhao." in the bottom left it says: "C034-9812/32" the bottom right it says "Fenghuang Station Police Department"
A form filled in by hand labeled FSPD Document Release Form, the text on it says: "This is a general FSPD document release form, misuse will be severely punished. Internal use only. Document ID: S13/45-48-10-113. Name: Jane Zhao. ID#:04837/001. Superior: n/a. Date: 2470-05-23. I hereby declare that I understand the rules and punishments involved in improperly handling the requested documents if they are released to me, as declared in the FPSD Manual, subsection 35c. Signature: J Zhao." in the bottom left it says: "C034-9812/32" the bottom right it says "Fenghuang Station Police Department"2550×3300 431 KB

A document named: "Criminal Record - S13/45-48-10-113" it has the image of a short purple haired person with thick eyebrows and an unhappy expression with the text: "Name(s): Swæk redacted the Duck Botherer. Age: 35. D.O.B: 2436-redacted. Pronouns: They/Them. StationID: 4/36-redacted. Residence: Fenghuang Station - Section 13 - Unit redacted - Level redacted - Hallway redacted - Door redacted. Legal Occupation(s): Bee Pilot - Bartender. Affiliation(s): Sewer Rats - Triad of Evil - redacted - redacted. General Information: Swæk redacted, child of redacted and redacted, ran away from home when they were 15. They were taken in by the Sewer Rats and Swæk often faced criminal charges, though their direct connections to redacted made the criminal system refuse to persecute them. Between the years of 4254 and 2458 they had their ID chip edited¹. They also learned to be a Bee pilot and seemingly cut contact with the Sewer Rats during this time period. In 2458 Swæk got arrested under their alias, this was due to multiple incidents of common nuisance by the so called "Duck Block" (S03U16) by repeatedly piloting their Bee into it and flashing their spotlights at its windows whenever they were nearby. Swæk was released from Cell Unit 12 in 2460, we presume during their time in prison they got in contact with the Triad of Evil. In between their release and their next arrest in 2464, we have the multiple suspected homicides and other illicit activities we can link to them" at the bottom is a footnote: "¹The criminal record of this false alias has been merged with the current record when it was confirmed."
A document named: "Criminal Record - S13/45-48-10-113" it has the image of a short purple haired person with thick eyebrows and an unhappy expression with the text: "Name(s): Swæk redacted the Duck Botherer. Age: 35. D.O.B: 2436-redacted. Pronouns: They/Them. StationID: 4/36-redacted. Residence: Fenghuang Station - Section 13 - Unit redacted - Level redacted - Hallway redacted - Door redacted. Legal Occupation(s): Bee Pilot - Bartender. Affiliation(s): Sewer Rats - Triad of Evil - redacted - redacted. General Information: Swæk redacted, child of redacted and redacted, ran away from home when they were 15. They were taken in by the Sewer Rats and Swæk often faced criminal charges, though their direct connections to redacted made the criminal system refuse to persecute them. Between the years of 4254 and 2458 they had their ID chip edited¹. They also learned to be a Bee pilot and seemingly cut contact with the Sewer Rats during this time period. In 2458 Swæk got arrested under their alias, this was due to multiple incidents of common nuisance by the so called "Duck Block" (S03U16) by repeatedly piloting their Bee into it and flashing their spotlights at its windows whenever they were nearby. Swæk was released from Cell Unit 12 in 2460, we presume during their time in prison they got in contact with the Triad of Evil. In between their release and their next arrest in 2464, we have the multiple suspected homicides and other illicit activities we can link to them" at the bottom is a footnote: "¹The criminal record of this false alias has been merged with the current record when it was confirmed."2550×3300 510 KB

The second page of the previous document, the text goes: "during this period. Their next arrest in 2466 was after they were found in "Duck Block" carrying multiple weapons, including illegal cartridge types and heavy explosives. Swæk was the sole living person inside of "Duck Block". After their arrest Swæk was sentenced to execution but for unknown reasons ended up being taken off death row by the Jiǔ, we were able to confirm this was not due to their direct connections to redacted, and were asked by the Jiǔ to cease our investigations after this confirmation. Ever since, we routinely come into contact with DNA material at criminal sites belonging to Swæk. However, due to the wishes of the Jiǔ we are no longer actively investigation Swæk's connection to these. Addendum: I'm Mredacted, I've been hired by redacted and have continued this investigation by their request. Having looked through redacted and re-examining evidence myself there's a clear indication that subject's DNA redacted. To my knowledge the sole redacted aboard Fenghuang who has the capabilities to do this would be redacted. Contacting redacted directly they refused redacted my redacted and have since redacted multiple redacted life. I've quit any further investigations and with guidance from the Jiǔ, redacted and redacted, have decided to destroy all evidence found, opting to report to redacted that subject's whereabouts and status are unknown." after that it follows in bold and underlined: "THIS RECORD HAS BEEN CLOSED BY REQUEST OF THE JIǓ" with at the bottom of the page a page number of 2.
The second page of the previous document, the text goes: "during this period. Their next arrest in 2466 was after they were found in "Duck Block" carrying multiple weapons, including illegal cartridge types and heavy explosives. Swæk was the sole living person inside of "Duck Block". After their arrest Swæk was sentenced to execution but for unknown reasons ended up being taken off death row by the Jiǔ, we were able to confirm this was not due to their direct connections to redacted, and were asked by the Jiǔ to cease our investigations after this confirmation. Ever since, we routinely come into contact with DNA material at criminal sites belonging to Swæk. However, due to the wishes of the Jiǔ we are no longer actively investigation Swæk's connection to these. Addendum: I'm Mredacted, I've been hired by redacted and have continued this investigation by their request. Having looked through redacted and re-examining evidence myself there's a clear indication that subject's DNA redacted. To my knowledge the sole redacted aboard Fenghuang who has the capabilities to do this would be redacted. Contacting redacted directly they refused redacted my redacted and have since redacted multiple redacted life. I've quit any further investigations and with guidance from the Jiǔ, redacted and redacted, have decided to destroy all evidence found, opting to report to redacted that subject's whereabouts and status are unknown." after that it follows in bold and underlined: "THIS RECORD HAS BEEN CLOSED BY REQUEST OF THE JIǓ" with at the bottom of the page a page number of 2.2550×3300 417 KB

5 Likes
46

Here’s my submission!!!

BASIL: Pink is the old man living upstairs.

STEVE: Old man? He must be in his thirties, maybe forty!

BASIL: His full name is… Leo.. P… Something van Something-pink. That’s why we’ve been calling him Pink.

STEVE: Plennart van Glertlespink

BASIL: He seems nice, never complains about the noise, even when the bar closes late. I don’t really know what he does but he likes running. He goes every single night around 9, comes back to the bar, orders green tea and as soon as he’s finished, he goes home.

I never got the chance to talk to him so I’m not sure I could help you.

STEVE: Oh, there he is. Yep, it’s 9. Always on time.

BASIL: If you want to ask him about your weird tape, you could wait around. He should be done in 45 minutes.

underscore jam2
underscore jam21752×1930 367 KB

underscore jam2 (2)
underscore jam2 (2)1752×1930 281 KB

7 Likes
47

Okay, so I did my best not to look too closely at other entries so I could stay original, but the sheer variety I’ve seen from all of you means I really had to up my game so here goes:

Sissy Hipnoll
Sissy Hipnoll989×664 733 KB

Alt text wasn’t behaving so you can read that below.

Alt text

A curved green CRT display shows a list of attributes, and softer in the background an ASCII closeup image of Manet’s Olympia. The text reads:
Subject Name: Sissy Hipnoll
Age: 28(00)
Location: Erstwhile, Anthemoessa
Eye color: Hazel
Blood: Fluid
Hair texture: As the foamy sea
Parental Unit 1: Gregorieyy Hipnoll
Parental Unit 2: Mei CC…Cruz
Parental Unit 3: Taoyler Moargoan
Overal Score: 9430, I’m sure
Estimated Affinity: 200 or something
Favorite Color: Green
Favorite Shape: Rhombus
Hey Carl, why is it generating: so much data?
Effectiveness: Effective
Camraderie Factor: Infinite, my friend
Water requirements: Required
Severity of Musculature: you are getting sleepy.
Danger in Notated Situation #433: No threat
Explicit Verifyability: Confirmed
Time to Aquiescence: 0.00032 seconds
Carl, it’s only supposed to be five: attributes!
Volleyball Certification: With honors
Known Unkowns: Known
Medicinal Requirements: you will be good like me.
Nomenclature Susceptibility: better even.
Frameshift Canonicity: several dozens times c
True name: if you let me, I will tell you
Percentage complete: 99.999999
Clarification intent: Obfuscated
Concurrence with other events: Guaranteed
Almost there: now
Be a good: girl
Nevermind, Carl, it’s all: good.

Subject Bio: I am not a threat. Look deep into my green, green eyes and accept the truth. I am your friend.

7 Likes
48

I intended to spend a bit more time on this, but hey, I’m happy with it. Here is my bizarre fellow…

image
image900×555 18.1 KB

Alt text

SIDNURETH FLANKJAW

Age - 57

Location - Small pawnshop just outside of town.

Connoisseur and pawn-broker of pre-chewed chewing gum - lovingly chewed by local and national celebrities alike. Every purchase is complete with a certificate of authenticity signed by none other than the chewer themselves. None of Sid’s contracts have officially leaked, but it was rumoured that Sigourney Weaver war offered a 5 figure sum.

Once chewed and closely observed by Flankjaw, gum is taken and carefully rolled out like-new and dusted with a specially made powder. A small off-cut of each piece is kept aside, just for him.

Members of the public who aren’t famous are also welcome to get an offer for a base price of 50 dollars, not a bad deal if you’re at a pinch.

Sid will only buy your gum once. It will be seen as disrespectful if you come back for another 50 dollars, especially if you’re in disguise.

4 Likes
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WANTED Hensbane Redtoe HIGH-PRIORITY TARGET NEUTRALIZE ON SIGHT Height: 6’1” Weight: ~230lbs Hair colour: Black (dyed, original unknown) Eye colour: Blue Skin colour: Caucasian Blood Type: O- DOB: April 11, 1982 Identifying Marks: - Ankh tattoo, back of the neck - tree branch tattoos over left hand and fingers Known Associations: - Minneapolis Anarchist’s Coven - Pride Minnesota - Shakespeare Society of Minneapolis - “No Kings” - “ICE Out” Wanted For: - Domestic Terrorism: destruction of ICE property, aiding & abetting - Transgenderism: spreading transgender ideology, pronoun use - Suspicion of Witchcraft Incident Report: On [REDACTED DATE], Redtoe was identified among protestors interfering with ICE operation [REDACTED CODENAME] on [REDACTED PLACE] at intersection of [REDACTED STREET] and [REDACTED STREET]. Redtoe was observed carrying water and medical supplies, offering aid to domestic terrorists targeted for subdual action. At approx 10:43am, Redtoe assaulted Officer [REDACTED NAME] using de-arrest maneuver, allowing detained person to escape. Redtoe also escaped detainment. At approx 11:22am, Officers performed strategic repositioning back towards headquarters. Redtoe identified among those slashing tires of abandoned ICE vehicles. Vehicles also disabled by sugar poured into gas receptacle, Redtoe suspected involved.
WANTED Hensbane Redtoe HIGH-PRIORITY TARGET NEUTRALIZE ON SIGHT Height: 6’1” Weight: ~230lbs Hair colour: Black (dyed, original unknown) Eye colour: Blue Skin colour: Caucasian Blood Type: O- DOB: April 11, 1982 Identifying Marks: - Ankh tattoo, back of the neck - tree branch tattoos over left hand and fingers Known Associations: - Minneapolis Anarchist’s Coven - Pride Minnesota - Shakespeare Society of Minneapolis - “No Kings” - “ICE Out” Wanted For: - Domestic Terrorism: destruction of ICE property, aiding & abetting - Transgenderism: spreading transgender ideology, pronoun use - Suspicion of Witchcraft Incident Report: On [REDACTED DATE], Redtoe was identified among protestors interfering with ICE operation [REDACTED CODENAME] on [REDACTED PLACE] at intersection of [REDACTED STREET] and [REDACTED STREET]. Redtoe was observed carrying water and medical supplies, offering aid to domestic terrorists targeted for subdual action. At approx 10:43am, Redtoe assaulted Officer [REDACTED NAME] using de-arrest maneuver, allowing detained person to escape. Redtoe also escaped detainment. At approx 11:22am, Officers performed strategic repositioning back towards headquarters. Redtoe identified among those slashing tires of abandoned ICE vehicles. Vehicles also disabled by sugar poured into gas receptacle, Redtoe suspected involved.1484×1920 189 KB

2 Likes
50

howdy, i’m new, and i realize the deadline is tomorrow, but i’d like to give it a try if you’re able to smith me a name in time!

if not, so be it :3

1 Like
51

A bit over 6 hours left to get your entries in! Don’t worry if you’re late I’ll add it to the results post anyway.

1 Like
52

The Busy Bee of the Field

Name: Semaphorous Menzies

Species: Bee

Locale: Fields

Semmy was a rather interesting case. If it wasn’t obvious, she’s got a last name which is very uncommon in spirits so far.

According to her, a family lived nearby and would visit her fields often to observe the flowers she was ever so proud of. Over the years, the family began treating her as one of their own. She was asked to don their family name so that it may live on, and she never forget her home.

Despite being secluded, Semmy seems rather healthy. She does not a starved or frenzied state during Full and New Moons, but she appears lightheaded during them. My educated guess is that the familial bond she formed gave her a lot of energy, enough to coast for quite some time. Wonderful news, but I fear it won’t last

My suggestion to her was open her field as an arboretum; daily visitors would certainly keep her energy levels high. Personally, I would love others to see this place, her field is magnificent.

ps. no picture this time, celeste broke my camera application…

3 Likes
53

Alright, the jam is officially closed so I won’t hand out any more names but I’ll wait until at least this evening before I make the results thread so more submissions can trickle in, and this thread won’t be locked until the end of the week.

I realized a little late that I should have maybe staggered the entry and submission dates but we live and learn, hanging on the edge of tomorrow.

Thanks for your participation everyone! You will be celebrated in the new thread.

54

I forgot about this, so I don’t think it would be in the spirit of the jam to change anything, this was my draft. No picture so just imagine an elf, I’d just rewatched Fellowship of the Ring so was a bit LotR pilled

Name: Letrink Lemorphouss

When the forces of The Mercy finally came for Letrink, all they found was a note saying “see you never”. At first it was assumed in the village that they really had been taken, but little signs pointed to a familiar and kindly watchful eye at work.

Many legendary heroes make their deeds bold and obvious, but history doesn’t always record subtler interventions, which often leave wider ripples in their wake. Letrink didn’t defeat that terrible empire on their own, and maybe their vanishing that day was the work of another, who could no more see the ultimate end of their act than Letrink. You can’t expect to see the empire fall, but

Many years after, an older wiser Letrink did resurface.

2 Likes